Survivial Kit

Almost no one  everyone of my friends acquaintances have been asking me recently about my Brexit strategy. Simple. It’s just a slight adjustment on my already existing emergency zombie apocalypse survivial strategy, for which I am well prepared for.

When the rabid Brexiteers come storming my house, shouting racist filth and telling me to “fcuk off out of my country”and trying to eat me alive because all the food has run out in the U.K,  which will only get them even angrier and more hateful than usual. Lashing out vengefully rather than accept their own ignorance and sociopathy, the right-wing anti-immigrant element amongst them, having been exhausted of their daily staple diet of lager/ gin/bacon/ ketchup/chips,  will be incandescent, amplifying their permanent inner rage and the voices in their heads… well, I am ready to get the hell out pretty damn sharpish and make a go of it out there in the wilderness, a bit like in Rambo: First Blood, when Johnny Rambo lived in that sewer pipe for a few days while picking off the overweight doughnut eating local law enforcement.

Here is what I have, and perhaps you should also?

 

  • A backpack to hold all your stuff, something you can quickly grab and go with, at a moments notice with no unnecessary time wasted.

  • Some tinned food and chocolate to keep you going until you can forage and hunt for food. Make sure it is as energy dense as possible. Those Paw Patrol kinder egg chocolates are approx 20,000 calories each and will keep you sated for days, plus there’s a little toy inside them, freakin’ win/win!

  • A good titanium piece of cutlery. Living in a post apocalypse world where people are known only by nicknames like “crusher harris”, “arse wipe peters” or “baw bags billy” doesn’t mean you have to eat with your fingers like a savage. You either have class, or you dont.

 

  • Some maps of the local areas. You’ll need to know where the largest right-wing herds are and avoid them.  Stay off the main roads, try to use animal tracks.

  • A good pocket survival guide teaching you the basics of making a shelter, traps, eating the right kind of berries, the correct type and ratio of cocktail mixers to use when drinking your own wee wee etc.

  • A windup/solar powered radio. Windup stuff is good incase batteries run out. You need a radio to tune into LBC to keep abreast of the latest news.

 

  • A windup torch. Once again, no batteries required. Means you don’t need to venture into Woolworths in the abandoned High Street looking for triple A batteries to avoid roving gangs of batshit crazy Conservative Party voting pensioners stumbling around moaning “more NHSsss. more pensionnnnn. I loved the 1950’ssss.” etc.

  • Glowsticks. These don’t provide great light source, but are uneffected in the dank/wet. So good if you perhaps find yourself in a pothole and having to swim through a dark underground river. Spelunking should be on everyones “i need to know” list.

 

  • Storm matches. These are covered in wax so can survive multiple dips in water. You’ll need to know how to light fires.

 

  • Matches can be exhausted however. Here is my fire lighting kit consisting of a waterproof box containing, A telescopic bellow, kindling, small bits of wood, flint, steel.

 

  • Minature binoculars. Always useful. Note my small President Trump hands. Useful these, a natural +4 modifier  when it comes to pickpocketing.

  • A good multi-tool for outdoor survival. I can build a entire fcuking Ted Kaczynski hut with this little tool  in under 8 hours plus write a manifesto.

 

  • Weather proof writing materials. Just incase you are finally caught and trapped and want to pen your final words and testiment. But also good for taking notes so you don’t forget stuff, “wash underpants”, “breath on a regular basis” etc etc.

 

  • A good tough waterproof box. This will hold items you will want dry. Most of your stuff you’ll want to keep dry. Underwear included.

 

  • Fishing line with hook and fake silicon maggot bait , a snare wire, cord, and copper wire. These are useful when creating animal traps, also a small vial of solid kerosene to help in lighting larger fires incase you want to cook a boar or burn a random building down, once the apocalpyse hits, arson is not only legal, its also one of your few outlets for joy.

 

 

  • Wound dressing, wound cleaner, adhesive tape, iodine, some salt and sugar, water purifier tablets, a silver blanket to keep warm, a filter to cleanse dirty water as much as possible to make palatable. You will need this shit to keep you alive for a few days at least.

 

 

  •  compass, whistle, sewing kit, 3 good quality rubber bands, x2 safety pins, x2 paper clips, a surgical knife incase you need to operate on yourself, a condom and a tampon. The last 2 items are typically included in all commercially available survival kits and I found their inclusion perplexing but research on this topic yielded the knowledge that the condom is not chemically treated and is actually meant to be used as a water carrier and not there on the rare chance one finds oneself in a romantic interlude for a quick knee-trembler/hows your father/hide the sausage, while the world burns. The tampon is to be used to help treat large cuts or wounds, and not to help out a lady during ovulation.